Should I put that in quotes? I never knew the words to that song, other than half of that first line. You know the one. It's always on those awful classic rock stations. "They're oldies, but goldies!" Now really, you people could have spent a bit more time thinking about that catchphrase. For the sake of Mungo Jerry's "Summertime," if nothing else. Things I've done thus far: -Explained what a hymen was to a 14 year old boy. -Was outcast from every group of people I associate with for not understanding the appeal of Harry Potter. -Cleaned out part of my car. Findings included: NWA cassette tape, the Pocahontas Soundtrack, rotting oranges, a full tea set, and two chia pets...one of which had sprouted long ago. -Saw Hall & Oates for free. AWESOME. (Er, my kind of awesome...) Even better? Seeing the cops in charge of the show wearing clear vinyl ponchos. Riding Segway Scooters. Dancing on said scooters. -Looked in my text messaging outbox to find things like the following: "Working overtime on a possible poop explosion. It's 5 a.m. and things are grand." Ugh. I'm so tired I don't even try anymore. Don't ever be my friend, because, at this rate, I'll probably be reaching into my "diarrhea joke" bag within days of meeting you. A few noble goals: -Get over fears of spider veins, sharks, mayonnaise. -Stop spelling masterbating masterbaiting masturbating incorrectly. -Cash in that winning $1 scratch-off lottery ticket. -Stop mourning the untimely death of Charles Nelson Reilly. -Learn the words to "It's the End of the World as We Know It." Shouting the "Leonard Bernstein!" part does not count as knowing the whole song. -Learn words in sign language other than "turtle," "king," and "lesbian." -Form a mutiny at my place of work with my manager (appropriately named Pound, as shown below). This may or may not include blinding people with muriatic acid, stealing the overpriced Nerf Guns we sell, and high fives/fist pounds to cement the bond between overqualified yet underpaid workers such as ourselves: 
With a boss known as Little Hitler, streams of lonely male customers making sexual innuendoes, and a paycheck so low I don't even get taxes back, what's not to love? I'm not meant for this weather. | 
